Thursday, April 24, 2014

The "F" Word

"The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love." - Madisyn Taylor - "Daily OM" 

So we've begun the hard work of concentrating on our recoveries. We've explored the multiple paradoxes of detachment, loving the addict while hating the disease, detaching with love, not anger, resentment or control.

The paths to our recoveries are as varied as the parents who seek them. There is a common byproduct reported by those of us who have embarked upon the road to self discovery - a renewed energy and excitement for life. Once we become aware enough to feel this we want to do something with it every day.

This is the scary part.

A few months ago I was fishing through my "manly man purse" where I keep my scrawlings, and found a worn bit of notebook paper I had not revisited in almost a year. A friend (angel) had written the following words on this almost forgotten sheet:

What's Fun?

What are your dreams?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I cannot remember if these questions were meant for me to ponder or directed to my (then) 16 and 21 year old sons to aid in their quest to find their passions. Looking back, I have a sneaking suspicion these were directed to me.

I do know that I held this tattered sheet close all these months for a reason. There are no coincidences. There is only synchronicity. Perhaps, the Universe was simply waiting patiently for my response.

It wasn't until the beginnings of my recovery that I even possessed the desire and self awareness to   contemplate the first question: "What's Fun?"

Just prior to our older son's spiral into addiction I had purchased a Trek hybrid bicycle built for road and off-road riding. This was fitted at the bike shop just for me and was the coolest bike I had ever owned.

As it became apparent that our son's addictions were more serious than originally thought (hoped) I sunk deeply into a state of self loathing and pity. I had no time, desire, will or even a sense of entitlement for any fun.

The bike "sat", actually hung, for a year and a half.

A YEAR AND A HALF!

It wasn't until the beginning of my recovery that I took that bike down and brought it back to the shop for its "annual" Spring adjustment. The technician commented that except for a bit of rust on the handlebars the two-year-old bike was in remarkable condition. I was sure he knew it had hung unused somewhere, ignored. I wondered if he thought I had been afraid to ride it.

How close to the truth that thought might have been disturbed me.

I had become afraid of fun. I had determined I couldn't have fun while my son was spiraling. Fear and guilt had robbed me of that inalienable right.

By the way I believe I failed to mention that we live within a half mile of a 14-mile Missouri Greenways bike trail.

I am happy to say I am now a grateful rider of that trail and others in our area.

There are times when we will, all of us, become stuck, forget to take care of ourselves and allow the "F" word into our lives. These times may come and go quickly or linger for a while. It's OK. You cannot force Fun, but you can learn to embrace it when it comes along.

So the next time somebody mentions the "F" word in conversation we can smile and simply imagine the possibilities.

Have Fun!

… keep coming back 
Up Next - "What Are Your Dreams"

Here's a link to Madisyn Taylor's complete Inspiration from April 18, 2014 - http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2014/42861.html

Reprinted from DailyOM- Inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day. Register for free atwww.dailyom.com.