Parents, Don't "Go Dark"

"And it's a long way there, it's a long way to where I'm going" ~ Graeham George Gobel

For parents of addicts and addicts in recovery the pandemic seems like an all-too-familiar experience. Wherever our journeys have taken us, now here we are at least physically, sheltered in place, quarantined, immobile. For many of us even the dream of working from home isn't quite what we envisioned, our lives disrupted by something out of our control. We didn't ask for this. We did our best, we thought, to prevent something like this from happening. We tried to lead healthy lifestyles, most of the time. We exercised, sometimes or a lot. We led our lives as best as we knew how.

In the end, none of this mattered. The worldwide pandemic has taken control of our lives and there is very little, it seems, that we can do about it.

But we are parents of addicts. Haven't we been through something painfully, devastatingly similar before? We do have tools. We have experience that few do. We share an ability to see that hopeful light at the end of the tunnel along with cancer survivors and thrivers.

And it looks like it might be a long tunnel.

Moving along this new journey of ours where it may seem as if we have been transported to another world, another totally unfamiliar pathway, we cannot succumb to the darkness. What is happening to us on our physical plane cannot translate to our emotional, spiritual planes. We cannot Go Dark while in the grasp of the pandemic. The Addiction is going to see this as an opportunity to ramp up its hold on our sons and daughters and the tendency for our children to sometimes look on the dark side of life will be amplified. As we continue to shelter in place we all will be at our wits end with those we love dearly and with our own innermost thoughts and frailties. This is going to be a test of where we are on our journeys. Going dark doesn't simply mean we risk detaching from our lives and the lives of our loved ones. It can also mean a return to dark thoughts, passive-aggressive behavior and all those tendencies that will take us right back to the cloud forest, if we allow this.

Now more than ever is the time to remember how we moved along our pathways as we learned how to love our children while hating The Addiction, keeping our children close, in sight, not "doing for" them nor ignoring real opportunities for support.

It's all about love and patience, seeing the sunrise and beautiful vistas in the distance, being the beacon of positivity, that light in the darkness of The Addiction, now amplified by the pandemic.

We've got this. We've been through worse, something most people will never understand.

Continue to be the light against the darkness. Shine On!

. . . keep coming back

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. ~ Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

Looking Beyond the Immediate With Love

"May such a calm of soul be mine, so as to meet the force of circumstances" ~ Aeschylus

Must we really confront everything? Why do we feel compelled to fix everything and make it painfully clear to everyone that we are the fixers, the correctors, the "keepers" of the way things should be?

The 12-steppers call it "letting go." We can call it what we wish. However we approach a change in our attitudes and behavior starts with a pinch of humility, a hefty dash of love, and a heaping helping of deep breathing and knowing we don't know EVERYTHING. In fact, in many cases when attempting to make some sense of life under the shadow of The Addiction, we know NOTHING.

The next time we see something that cries out to be corrected, whether or not that something is brought on by a son or daughter who is grappling with The Addiction, why don't we practice an alternative behavior.

We can:

Put others' dishes away
Close the windows
Ignore the paraphernalia, (maybe just this once?)
Straighten out the room

Or, ignore the CHAOS!

Let me be clear, we're not talking about taking over responsibilities we have assigned to our addicted and recovering as part of a contract for recovery. Sometimes we MUST remind our son or daughter that for whatever reason their preoccupation with themselves and their insular world has prevented them from fully taking part in the world around them, from fulfilling even the tiniest of responsibilities thrust upon them.

But not always.

We can do things without announcing the "corrections" we are implementing. We can do these things without malice or judgment, with love in our hearts for our addicted, our recovering and those others we hold dear . These are those little things that as partners in life we can look beyond to move on, not wasting time with sidelong glances and passive aggressive comments concerning things happening "AGAIN!?" We can perform these little duties when nobody's looking with a smile in our heart knowing we love everyone in our circle unconditionally no matter how maddening they may be making our lives at any particular time. It's all about developing muscle memory for life!

It won't be easy, a bit like an obsessive-compulsive ignoring the picture hung crookedly on the wall - believe me, I draw upon this analogy from personal experience. It's the only way our temporarily lost can find their way. It can be liberating. Watching our recovering triumph in little ways as they overcome their tendency to ignore what the Universe has laid out for them is one of those small victories that keeps us all moving down our recovery pathways.

And ignoring some of those little annoyances can free us up to experience some of the adventures we have been missing, that the Universe has laid out for us.

. . . keep coming back

"We can't possibly know everything. And when we think we do, we limit ourselves from growing and learning more than what we already do know" ~ Madisyn Taylor

Move On

"Finish every day and be done with it. For manners and for wise living it is a vice to remember. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You will begin it well and serenely, and too high a spirit to be cumbered by your old nonsense. It is too dear with its hopes and invitations to waste a moment on the rotten yesterdays."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I'll never forgive myself for ... ."

"If I had only thought before I ... ."

"Why didn't you stop me when I was about to ... ?"

So many of our actions while confronting The Addiction can be regrettable at best and at worst, a constant reminder of our failures and shortcomings as parents. Living lives as parents of the addicted and recovering can be at the same time torturous and inspirational. We have to remember there are, have been and will be victories along with our regressions back to the mire and muck of the bog and hopeless dark expanse of the cloud forest. The Addiction impacts the lives of our addicted, our in-recovery sons and daughters, their siblings and so many others who cross pathways with the monster.

Some of my most haunting regrets stem from how I let The Addiction color my relationships with everyone except my son the addict.

We must remember we do have our bright spots.

Maybe our mindset can change from one based on confrontation to one centered on love for our children. Perhaps we can begin to look beyond the face of The Addiction to see our children there, deep within. This will not only impact our relationship with our addicts, but also how we interact with their siblings, our partners and friends. Relationships based on love will see through the bullshit coming from The Addiction so we can move on with lives as caring and loving parents, partner, co-workers and friends.

If we think of our addicted sons and daughters as in recovery from the moment we see The Addiction has taken hold of their lives our focus might change from despair to hope. Our babies never chose to wake up one day to follow a self-destructive pathway devastating to their lives and the lives of everyone who holds them dear. From the moment they embark on the journey led by their addiction something inside them yearns to break free.

With that in mind we can love our sons and daughters and love our family who have been detoured with them down a dangerous road. Only with an active decision to love may we show them our total support and pepper our interactions not with disdain, but with kindness.

I'm not saying this will be an easy road to take, but it is one well worth the effort.

. . . keep coming back

"There's no future, there's no past; Beating hearts are all we have; Getting stronger break by break; From all these mistakes I've made; Mistakes I've made; What path remains; Mistakes I've, Mistakes I've made." ~ Eelke Kleijn, "Mistakes I've Made"