"Every exit is an entry somewhere else." ~ Tom Stoppard
The posture had become habitual, an uncomfortable comfort she had grown to accept along a journey that had taken her so far. She had beaten her beasts, slain her worst tendencies, cleared her mind, and soul, partially, from years of self loathing and abuse. She, not anyone else had made the decision not to live THAT life anymore.
Yet what life lay ahead was the uncertainty. She had wasted so many years, missed so many opportunities to learn, fail, succeed, then fail again, she wondered where the next pathway in her life would lead. So there she sat, each day in her room, glued to a screen of games and "adventures", offering a hypnotic respite from having to take that next step to living THAT real life she was meant to live.
This was comfortable, yet a foreboding surrounded her like a shroud.
"
What am I so afraid of?
she wondered.
She functioned. If you would see her on the avenue, in the grocery or bodega you would not think her to be a captive in her own home. Yet there she would sit, staring at a screen and removed from her world of possibilities.
One day she awakened and something seemed different. She wasn't certain what it was and put this intuition to the side for the time being. Her intuitions had missed the mark over the past few years she thought to herself with a chuckle, Her intuitions had led her down some dark pathways.
This was a weekend, a Saturday, and for once in a long while she was not working - thankfully. It had been a long week. She returned from the nearby convenience store after picking up some this and that, a boxed nitrate-laden breakfast and a few Red Bulls and bottled waters for the day. It was an expeditious expedition to avoid any unnecessary personal contact. She was out and back in less than ten minutes.
When she returned home to her room something was different. She knew she had turned off the television prior to her breakfast run yet could hear a humming drone of the TV speakers signaling an issue with the signal.
"
Shit, the Internet must be out again," she complained to no one.
She entered her bedroom and the droning of the speakers immediately got louder. "
That's odd," she thought.
And what she saw when sat at her normal place at the end of her bed alarmed her. Instead of a blank screen typical of when the Internet would be interrupted she saw what people used to refer to as "snow", its accompanying
white noise but with the odd addition of the humming she had never before heard emanating from the screen. As she stared at the snow she swore she could see forms seemingly dancing, coming and going as temporary images within the specs of white, black and gray.
"
Weird."
She arose to get a closer look and as she approached the screen she could feel something tugging at her, pulling her closer to the dancing images.
"
This can't be."
She reached out her hand to touch the two-dimensional display and at that instant, everything was gone! And so was she.
"
But to where?"
When she was able to she opened her eyes and found herself in a place. There would be no other way to describe where she seemed to be. There was no furniture, landmarks or any points of reference to determine how large or small this
place was, big or small, expansive or confined. All she could see was the same black, white and gray snow
surrounding her and scattering off her like dry snowflakes in the wintertime. The snow was collecting
around her - ominously.
As she turned to determine if there was anything to see beyond the snow she noticed a lightness in the distance through a clearing in the blizzard surrounding her. She moved closer to where the light was emanating and could barely discern a form. She soon realized what she could see was herself, sitting on her bed, controller in hand. In her horror she moved closer to get a better view of this image and was stopped by a clear barrier.
"
Had she somehow been transported inside the television?" she wondered.
She peered at herself on the other side of the barrier and her heart sunk. "Is this what my life has come to?" she asked herself aloud.
And she started to cry. Her sadness engulfed her and saturated her body. She felt a tear trickle down her cheek and onto the barrier. Almost immediately the image on the other side changed. She could see herself as she was years ago, "out of it," with no direction, drive or goals, duty-bound to the chemical-of-the-day she had chosen as an escape from life, from everything. She pressed her body closer against the screen and felt the same pull she had felt prior to her transport into the snow. Her recoil was immediate and visceral.
"NO!" she screamed! Never again would she travel that path; go on THAT journey.
The scene changed almost as soon as she had drawn away from the barrier. There were images of family assembled around her, holding her, then the scene moved again to her alone on her bed, crying.
Her life was playing out before her. SHE was the mindless entertainment, the multitude of
channels and choices available for viewing.
"
Choices," she pondered. Perhaps this is my time, my chance. Perhaps The Universe is not playing a cruel trick on me. Perhaps this is my shot.
She continued to watch as the images moved more quickly now. She saw herself as a little girl, happy, before the dark days. This would not be her choice. She decided going forward was what she wanted, not going back.
"
I might not remember the pathways that lead to my downward spiral," she thought.
Then, she saw herself as she had never imagined, surrounded by people clad in colorful, seemingly outlandish attire, some who knew her history it seemed, some who did not. She could see, no, she could feel her past meant nothing to these people. She wasn't certain what the connection was. All she knew a connection was there.
Fearful this image would change, that this would be another opportunity lost she moved closer to the barrier, touching the
screen almost to the point of embracing it. Immediately she was joined by two of the dark, gray-black-white forms she had seen before her transportation.
"GO!" said one.
"NOW!" said the other.
She pressed as much of her body that she felt she could against the barrier and in an instant, again, everything was gone.
When she was able to she opened her eyes and found herself back in her bedroom, at the edge of her bed.
"This can't be!
" she cried aloud. "What was the point of everything, of all of this? Why this intricate ruse? Who is behind this cruel game being played on me? Don't you see I don't want to live life like this anymore? I've seen what my life can be!" she ended.
As she lay on her bed, tears streaming in rivulets down her face her phone rang. She collected herself as best she could.
"Hello?"
"Hi, my name Alejandra. You don't know me but a mutual friend gave me your name. She thought you might be interested in meeting up with a bunch of us for a bike ride. Would you like to GO?"
"When?" she asked.
"NOW." said the stranger, Alejandra.
"
GO, NOW," she remembered the message of the forms in the portal, and smiled.
"Where are we meeting?" she asked.
"Look out your front window," said Alejandra. "Our mutual friend thought it best not to leave anything to chance, or to give you too much time to think about it."
She lifted the blinds and saw at least twenty-five people dressed in
outlandish cycling attire.
"
This is exactly what I saw through the barrier, she thought.
"Give me a few minutes to get dressed and I'll be right down."
And as she prepared to leave she looked at her television screen that was no longer humming, but the snow remained. She picked up the remote control and just prior to pressing the power button she could see two forms through the screen, her former barrier. They seemed to be waving to her.
"Goodbye my friends," she heard herself say and with that, pushed the button, and began her life, again.
. . . keep coming back
"Go forth into the busy world and love it. Interest yourself in its life, mingle kindly with its joys and sorrows." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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