"You have a solemn obligation to take care of yourself because you never know when The World will need you." ~ Rabbi HillelWe are formidable, yet fragile, we parents of addicts. We are indomitable but not superhuman. Our lives have become tests of our fortitude and a testament to our resolve to continue against the seemingly insurmountable.
Our hope is as we live our lives to our fullest potential our children will see us and find a spark within themselves to seek a life outside the vortex of their addictions. We continue our journey. We maintain an abiding love for them and renounce the notion they are joyful partners of The Addiction. We strive, we explore new horizons, run headlong down pathways not always entirely certain where they may lead as we seek that next adventure and new experience.
We are living life to its fullest.
It can be exhausting!
Sometimes we become injured. Like the world-class athlete whose body is so taut and finely tuned that any tweak might undermine months or years of preparation, or the middle-aged half marathoner desperately holding an aging body together to simply make it to the start line, we as parents of addicts can become injured.
How can this happen? Our recovery is an intrinsically spiritual activity, not one of physical exertion. Though our journey often brings us to long-forgotten or denied pursuits to extend our bodies beyond perceived limits our quest has been primarily one for opening our minds and souls to seeking and seeing the possibilities ahead.
Yet, we can injure ourselves in this spiritual pursuit of life, love and what the Universe has in mind for us. These injuries may be less noticeable than the muscle strain or torn ligament but can have a similar sidelining effect.
Complacency is an injury common to all of us on recovery pathways. When things appear to be going right with no late-night phone calls, defiant outbursts or unannounced disappearances we can plateau - in a negative sense. The views from a plateau can be beautiful. Here we can become comfortable as we survey what we have overcome and how far we have traversed along our pathways, but sometimes we can become comfortable for too long. Reaching our various plateaus is an important milestone for us to recharge and rejuvenate. Remaining at any level of achievement as parents in recovery is injurious. A symptom accompanying the injury of complacency is a burning in the back our minds notifying us that we are no longer where we should be on our journey. We were in that good place just a few days, weeks or even worse, months earlier. It was a good feeling being at that good place. But why are we still here?
A complication of complacency is stagnation, a secondary injury resulting from holding back on that wondrous momentum we had previously achieved along our recovery pathway. It's like the injury caused by favoring one side of the body after a breakdown of the opposite muscle groups. As one side might be healing, the other reaches out to snatch us from resuming our progress. It's the most infuriating and frustrating of setbacks.
Then everything goes to hell! We are struck down by Isolation.
Isolation is an adductor muscle tear on our soul. Often perceived as self inflicted, isolation is often a result of The Addiction tripping us up when we least expect it. It's a cheap shot, a cleats-up slide tackle from the back and can occur on the plateau or in a Bad Place where we have followed The Addiction and our children. We'll be out for a while as we nurse the groin pull of recovery injuries. Isolation's nagging pain is Shame, keeping us mired in a self-imposed quarantine for much longer than we require. One begets the other. Our seclusion separates us from family, friends, life and even our fellow parents-in-recovery travelers.
Anger and Bitterness are the strain and tendinitis accompanying our injuries, immobilizing us and making even the slightest movement forward too painful to endure. These originate deep within our damaged souls and appear as an outcropping of the other injuries we have suffered.
We're not moving forward. We allow envy and resentment to set in and immobilize us.
We may even perceive those outside our journey looking at us as if to say, "That's what they get for living their lives while their children languish. That's what they get for wanting more - and then some."
It is when we are struck down, again, we need to remember why we began this journey and what our goals were even if we didn't consider our short and long term aspirations as goals. The goal, the yearning hope and dream of parents in recovery may be encapsulated in one phrase:
"I want my life back!"We ask ourselves as we try to recall the victories and long for the free movement along our pathways, "Where am I now in my journey? What has happened? Who am I - NOW?"
When we're down and hobbled it's not enough to simply battle through the injuries, to gut it out, to man up (sorry ladies) and push on. This can exacerbate an already dire situation and cause injury upon injury.
I can draw parallels from the marathoners and half marathoners. For three years I had trained alone for a half marathon each Fall. I ran through the pain. I had run track in high school - years ago. I knew how to run.
How hard could it be?Each year as I pushed myself I became injured to the point of immobilization. I never made it to the start line.
In 2015 I decided I needed help. I joined a family of runners under the umbrella of a national running and fitness retail organization. I had two goals, to make it to the start line of the local Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon and to make it to the finish line of the local Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon. The first goal seemed a bit more challenging given my history.
Halfway through training I became beset with something called runner's knee or even more direly put, patellofemoral pain syndrome. I immediately sought the assistance of an orthopedic physician referred to me by the training team- something I would never have even considered pre-journey - who ruled out any catastrophic tear or break. He gifted me with a brace and an hour's worth of exercises which I embraced daily. Cured of the runner's knee I developed severe tendinitis in the opposite ankle which hobbled me severely. Again I reached out to my training team and doc, who again, thankfully eliminated the possibility of a training-ending injury and prescribed physical therapy.
Through this I remembered my first goal:
Make it to the start line ...Again I was issued a regimen of exercises and informed that while my knee and and ankle were feeling the pain my hips were the villain of this melodrama. I made multiple trips to this therapist.
There was a period of two-and-a-half weeks of therapist-prescribed running abstinence. I was a painful walker. Steps were avoided if possible.
Tuesday prior to race day I attempted the track work indicated on the training schedule, just twenty minutes on the oval.
I can honestly describe the experience as excruciatingly painful.
Somehow I remained focused on that first goal. The journey begun in July for a mid October race meant a lot. This half marathon was much more than simply a race with several thousand of my closest friends. This race was a pathway integral to recapturing my life and myself.
I remained in contact with my running team, my family, my running band of brothers and sisters. I drew strength from their encouragement even in the downtime.
I received physical therapy the Wednesday prior to the race weekend and a miracle happened.
I was walking pain free for the first time in almost three weeks!
That Friday my final round of physical therapy before the race was administered. I was taped up and determined ready to go by my physio.
On Sunday, October 18 after 12 weeks of training I rejoined my team. I began to run as we passed the start line, my first goal achieved. There was NO PAIN. With the help of multitudes of angels along the way I completed the 13.1 miles and even had a little left at the finish line - goal #2!
We've done this all our lives. How hard can it be?We can realize, perhaps, we don't know everything, or anything. We can accept help from parents, professionals and others who have run this race before and only want us to succeed. We can trust miracles will happen when we least expect the pain to subside, the spring restored to our step. There are angels, an entire team to aid us along our healing process and keep us on track once we've been given the OK to resume our journey, our personal half marathon!
We can't do this alone. Once we realize this our seemingly solitary journey becomes one where we are surrounded by hundreds, thousands, millions of souls each encouraging the other to persevere, to take time to heal when necessary and get back on the road when ready and Trust in the unknown.
We will heal. We will move forward stronger, confident in our journey and more in tune with our souls when healing again may be necessary.
Parents on your mark ... !
"The only person you need to worry about is you. You are perfectly valid where you are and if you are showing up then you've accomplished the hardest part of the morning." ~ Greg Depp, Marathon and Half Marathon Coach
"And so I wait, I wait for time to heal the pain and raise me to my feet again - so that I can start a new path, my own path, the one that will make me whole again." ~ Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul II