We Really ARE Interesting People

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

We've all felt this. We're different, we parents of children who have succumbed to the disease of addiction. We have a different perspective on life, on living, on making that commitment each day to crawl out of bed and show up for life.

Some things are more important to us than they seem to other people, some less so. We've learned to ignore A LOT that might lead us on meaningless diversions away from our recovery pathways. We're focused on living. We no longer obsess over the argument, the negative, the sad, the pathetic. We have begun to pull away from the black-hole vortex of our children's addiction.

In the midst of it all we have come to appreciate our new and elevated role in the world, in the universe. We have lives to lead, passions to nourish and new friends to embrace. We do this even as our babies struggle.

We do all this because we feel we must. We feel compelled to strive, to seek out our individualities, our greatnesses.

Live or die. To be or not to be in its fullest sense, becomes the question.

And one day as we became more self aware we began to separate our children from The Addiction that had taken them from us. We chose a life separate from the controlling, fixing and curing parents we had become. In the process we began to discover our uniqueness stepping outside of what had been ourselves to discover who we really are, not what society had pigeonholed us into.

As this transition occurs we begin to feel, strange. It's OK. Different can feel strange at first. Our family, friends, coworkers and even our children who brought us to our journeys  - alright, especially these children - see the change in us and perceive the change as strange, foreign and threatening. We are shattering the status quo, the expected, the safe, the known.

Strange is not really the word, We can refer to our new outlook on life, our prospects and future as ... Interesting.

Interesting | adj. | attracting your attention and making you want to learn more about something or to be involved in something; not dull or boring

- Merriam-Webster On-Line Dictionary

We are definitely not dull or boring. Human beings who have suffered, then prevailed as thrivers from our children's dive into addiction are never boring. We've emerged. No longer hiding we're striving, seeking and seeing our possibilities.

Interesting people are attractive in a true, real sense, an attraction not based on physicality but on that something difficult to define. We are deeply involved with life, and with our lives, yet we are not self absorbed.

There is something then, different about us. In transcending our struggles and recent battles which have moved us along our recovery pathways we are a force to be noticed. Those who know of our struggles may see these changes as odd, selfish or inspiring. Those we meet, unaware of our history, may be attracted to our nuanced differentness. Our families watch, learn (hopefully - this is up to them), and find comfort in our changed demeanor, outlook on life and lust for life's experiences. We are becoming who we are meant to be.

Imagine that.

NO, REALLY! Imagine that, and it might just come true.

Our children who brought us to this journey, our Great Creator's great gift, see us too, changed, metamorphosed, alive.

Oh they'll be pissed at first to be sure as they witness their former rag-doll parents embracing a fulfilled existence. The anger we sense is The Addiction's rebellion, negativity and bitterness spewed through our children's mind, body and spirit. The Addiction will fight this, our truth, our REAL.

This can be exhausting for us and our children. One day they may see the folly of the vortex into which they have plunged. One day, as we once declared, they may say, "Enough!"

"I can't live like this anymore!"

Or perhaps they won't. We must remember it is their journey.

Through it all what we CAN do is remain steadfast. Through it all we must trust the pathway we have chosen and the spectacular journey we have been blessed with.

Through it all we must love our children as we follow the many possibilities the Universe has laid out for us.  All we need do is simply allow ourselves the courage to reach out and embrace the moments.

And, through it all, we must always remain ... interesting.

"Alas for those who never sing, But die with all their music in them," ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Everyone has a secret achievement inside. Happy are those who have the audacity to pull it off. " ~ Patrick Benjamin 

 ... keep coming back

Disquietude

"Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt." ~ Mary McLeod Bethune

Disquietude is one of those multi-layered words seldom utilized in our increasingly complex world. Dumbed down by email and social media our lexicon can't seem to keep up with the times. Disquietude harks back to the Civil War era when words were grand and descriptive, a Ken Burnsesque time when language blossomed.

"In Richmond, where intelligence of battles was received with comparative promptness, the frequent soundings of the tocsin, indicating the proximity of danger, increased the general disquietude, while those who lived in the country where newspapers were infrequent and mail irregular felt they would have preferred living in the midst of alarms to having their anxious uncertainty thus prolonged."

Disquietude, a word not so much utilized in the present day is certainly felt by parents of children who have succumbed to addiction to substances, certain behaviors or whatever negative influences impact their lives. Disquietude may be chronic or acute, a constant foreboding or that occasional twinge of pain precipitated by a late-night phone call, an item thought hidden from parental view or even a scent or visual supplying unsubstantiated proof of future, certain calamity.

We're either residents of Richmond receiving constant communiques of our sons' or daughters' real or imagined further plunges into addiction, or in the seeming insulation of the countryside where we may feel isolated, emotionally detached perhaps, yet still wondering, "When will the next alarm bell toll?"

It is useless to consider which is more distressing, the persistent barrage of intelligence or infrequent reports on how our sons and daughters are faring along their personal recovery journeys. This life of constant or intermittent notifications can be maddening, diverting us from our journey pathways. We risk a return to the brush, the dark rain forest, the mire and muck. We feel compelled to once again resort to enabling, controlling and living our lives for The Addiction. So we make the call:

OK, it's time you get your act together. You're not doing anything you said you would. Here's what WE'RE going to do.

Or ... 

Hey I haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything OK?

Our motivations are unimportant. Whether we've been receiving regular dispatches of our children's struggles or seem constantly in the dark, once again, we've been sidetracked from our pathway by The Addiction.

This sounds tough and heartless doesn't it? Perhaps it is a necessary message for us to survive the siege.

The disquietude is natural. We love our sons and daughters. This state of unease and anxiety may be with us always or for a long time.

So what are we supposed to do with it?

We can live our lives fully as a constant reminder of how much we love our children and so allow them their victories, and their failures. We can lower expectations thus protecting ourselves from the downside of Addiction-driven manipulative behaviors while allowing us to truly recognize and revel in our addicts' upside wins. We can live our lives as a beacon, a lighthouse of the possibilities of life lived to its absolute fullest each day. As we progress along our journey we will see those niches in time when The Addiction takes a hiatus from its hold on our children, providing those opportunities to be a parent without getting in the way.

This is when, "I love you" is the only thing we need to say to our babies.

When we let go of this disquietude, even occasionally, we can actually laugh, yes laugh at the absurdity of some of the behaviors our children are led to by The Addiction. We've all witnessed the sulking, the everything sucks and it's YOUR FAULT mentality of our children struck down by The Addiction. When we allow the disquietude to leave us or even temporarily subside and realize our children are IN THERE, we can ignore the hooks, the Addiction-driven enticements, and smile.

We'll not play this game - no, not anymore. This is what loving our children while we hate The Addiction that has brought them to the dark place is all about. We're not giving up on them any more than a parent of a child with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Our children's disease is not curable through our interference. They hold the cure. We provide the lifeline through our unconditional love and belief in our children that they will figure this out.

We must never give up, never surrender to The Addiction's calls to divert us away from our lives.

Acknowledging our disquietude is the first step. We have tools. Whether we are in persistent contact with our children and their struggles along their pathways or receiving long-distance and sporadic notifications of victories and defeats, we must continue.  Our journey is our lifeline. Our children's disease of addiction is out of our control to cure but we can remain strong for ourselves and for them, for those moments of clarity where they might just bare witness to some of the views and vistas we enjoy.

We may not be certain of our sons' and daughters' immediate prospects but we can make certain as we can of ours. There was trepidation and hesitation when we began our journey. We can remember how in those first few steps we were able to confront our disquietude and move on.

Perhaps soon, it will be their turn.

... keep coming back

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." ~ Groucho Marx

Bibliography

Rhodes, James Ford, History of the Civil War 1861-1865, New York, The MacMillan Company (1917), pp. 389-390

Taking Time to Heal (A Weekend Afternoon Read)

"You have a solemn obligation to take care of yourself because you never know when The World will need you." ~ Rabbi Hillel

We are formidable, yet fragile, we parents of addicts. We are indomitable but not superhuman. Our lives have become tests of our fortitude and a testament to our resolve to continue against the seemingly insurmountable.

Our hope is as we live our lives to our fullest potential our children will see us and find a spark within themselves to seek a life outside the vortex of their addictions. We continue our journey. We maintain an abiding love for them and renounce the notion they are joyful partners of The Addiction. We strive, we explore new horizons, run headlong down pathways not always entirely certain where they may lead as we seek that next adventure and new experience.

We are living life to its fullest.

It can be exhausting!

Sometimes we become injured. Like the world-class athlete whose body is so taut and finely tuned that any tweak might undermine months or years of preparation, or the middle-aged half marathoner desperately holding an aging body together to simply make it to the start line, we as parents of addicts can become injured.

How can this happen? Our recovery is an intrinsically spiritual activity, not one of physical exertion. Though our journey often brings us to long-forgotten or denied pursuits to extend our bodies beyond perceived limits our quest has been primarily one for opening our minds and souls to seeking and seeing the possibilities ahead.

Yet, we can injure ourselves in this spiritual pursuit of life, love and what the Universe has in mind for us. These injuries may be less noticeable than the muscle strain or torn ligament but can have a similar sidelining effect.

Complacency is an injury common to all of us on recovery pathways.  When things appear to be going right with no late-night phone calls, defiant outbursts or unannounced disappearances we can plateau - in a negative sense. The views from a plateau can be beautiful. Here we can become comfortable as we survey what we have overcome and how far we have traversed along our pathways, but sometimes we can become comfortable for too long. Reaching our various plateaus is an important milestone for us to recharge and rejuvenate. Remaining at any level of achievement as parents in recovery is injurious. A symptom accompanying the injury of complacency is a burning in the back our minds notifying us that we are no longer where we should be on our journey. We were in that good place just a few days, weeks or even worse, months earlier. It was a good feeling being at that good place. But why are we still here?

A complication of complacency is stagnation, a secondary injury resulting from holding back on that wondrous momentum we had previously achieved along our recovery pathway. It's like the injury caused by favoring one side of the body after a breakdown of the opposite muscle groups. As one side might be healing, the other reaches out to snatch us from resuming our progress. It's the most infuriating and frustrating of setbacks.

Then everything goes to hell! We are struck down by Isolation. 

Isolation is an adductor muscle tear on our soul. Often perceived as self inflicted, isolation is often a result of The Addiction tripping us up when we least expect it. It's a cheap shot, a cleats-up slide tackle from the back and can occur on the plateau or in a Bad Place where we have followed The Addiction and our children. We'll be out for a while as we nurse the groin pull of recovery injuries. Isolation's nagging pain is Shame, keeping us mired in a self-imposed quarantine for much longer than we require. One begets the other. Our seclusion separates us from family, friends, life and even our fellow parents-in-recovery travelers.

Anger and Bitterness are the strain and tendinitis accompanying our injuries, immobilizing us and making even the slightest movement forward too painful to endure. These originate deep within our damaged souls and appear as an outcropping of the other injuries we have suffered.

We're not moving forward. We allow envy and resentment to set in and immobilize us.

We may even perceive those outside our journey looking at us as if to say, "That's what they get for living their lives while their children languish. That's what they get for wanting more - and then some."

It is when we are struck down, again, we need to remember why we began this journey and what our goals were even if we didn't consider our short and long term aspirations as goals. The goal, the yearning hope and dream of parents in recovery may be encapsulated in one phrase:

"I want my life back!"

We ask ourselves as we try to recall the victories and long for the free movement along our pathways, "Where am I now in my journey? What has happened? Who am I  - NOW?"

When we're down and hobbled it's not enough to simply battle through the injuries, to gut it out, to man up (sorry ladies) and push on. This can exacerbate an already dire situation and cause injury upon injury.

I can draw parallels from the marathoners and half marathoners. For three years I had trained alone for a half marathon each Fall. I ran through the pain. I had run track in high school - years ago. I knew how to run.

How hard could it be?

Each year as I pushed myself I became injured to the point of immobilization. I never made it to the start line.

In 2015 I decided I needed help. I joined a family of runners under the umbrella of a national running and fitness retail organization. I had two goals, to make it to the start line of the local Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon and to make it to the finish line of the local Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon. The first goal seemed a bit more challenging given my history.

Halfway through training I became beset with something called runner's knee or even more direly put, patellofemoral pain syndrome. I immediately sought the assistance of an orthopedic physician referred to me by the training team- something I would never have even considered pre-journey - who ruled out any catastrophic tear or break. He gifted me with a brace and an hour's worth of exercises which I embraced daily. Cured of the runner's knee I developed severe tendinitis in the opposite ankle which hobbled me severely. Again I reached out to my training team and doc, who again, thankfully eliminated the possibility of a training-ending injury and prescribed physical therapy.

Through this I remembered my first goal:

Make it to the start line ... 

Again I was issued a regimen of exercises and informed that while my knee and and ankle were feeling the pain my hips were the villain of this melodrama. I made multiple trips to this therapist.

There was a period of two-and-a-half weeks of therapist-prescribed running abstinence. I was a painful walker. Steps were avoided if possible.

Tuesday prior to race day I attempted the track work indicated on the training schedule, just twenty minutes on the oval.

I can honestly describe the experience as excruciatingly painful.

Somehow I remained focused on that first goal. The journey begun in July for a mid October race meant a lot. This half marathon was much more than simply a race with several thousand of my closest friends. This race was a pathway integral to recapturing my life and myself.

I remained in contact with my running team, my family, my running band of brothers and sisters. I drew strength from their encouragement even in the downtime.

I received physical therapy the Wednesday prior to the race weekend and a miracle happened.

I was walking pain free for the first time in almost three weeks!

That Friday my final round of physical therapy before the race was administered. I was taped up and determined ready to go by my physio.

On Sunday, October 18 after 12 weeks of training I rejoined my team. I began to run as we passed the start line, my first goal achieved. There was NO PAIN. With the help of multitudes of angels along the way I completed the 13.1 miles and even had a little left at the finish line - goal #2!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So how is this metaphorical recollection and vainglorious recap of my exploits in achieving my first half marathon success pertinent to our journey as parents of addicts? 

We must remember we will become injured at some some time. We will be hobbled or even temporarily sidelined. We may become complacent when when our journey seems to take us to a plateau resplendent with daisies and butterflies, puffy white clouds and cool breezes. We can isolate when our children dive, dive, dive deeper into the vortex with The Addiction. We may even seek out anger and bitterness as self therapy when things don't go as planned and we are diverted from our goals. 

What can we do then, when as parents of addicts we feel that tinge of pain portending an injury that might sideline us or even put us out for a time? We can remember why we began this journey and our ultimate goal of reclaiming our lives. This goal is a moving target, morphing, expanding, intensifying, yet remains a finish line to becoming better, forever reaching new plateaus and seeking new horizons. Our purpose in life is to become our truest selves each day, one day at a time.

We can and MUST reach out for help. We can set aside our pride that will encourage us to believe life is a simple proposition.

We've done this all our lives. How hard can it be?

We can realize, perhaps, we don't know everything, or anything. We can accept help from parents, professionals and others who have run this race before and only want us to succeed. We can trust miracles will happen when we least expect the pain to subside, the spring restored to our step. There are angels, an entire team to aid us along our healing process and keep us on track once we've been given the OK to resume our journey, our personal half marathon!

We can't do this alone. Once we realize this our seemingly solitary journey becomes one where we are surrounded by hundreds, thousands, millions of souls each encouraging the other to persevere, to take time to heal when necessary and get back on the road when ready and Trust in the unknown.

We will heal. We will move forward stronger, confident in our journey and more in tune with our souls when healing again may be necessary.

Parents on your mark ... !

... keep coming back

"The only person you need to worry about is you. You are perfectly valid where you are and if you are showing up then you've accomplished the hardest part of the morning."      ~  Greg Depp, Marathon and Half Marathon Coach

"And so I wait, I wait for time to heal the pain and raise me to my feet again - so that I can start a new path, my own path, the one that will make me whole again." ~ Jack Canfield,  Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul II

Doing the Doable - A New Year's Revolution

"I never do the New Year's Resolution thing. I kind of just try to stay focused, not get too sidetracked and do the best I can. And that's something I like to tell myself every year around New Year's." ~ Cameron Monaghan

"The First step in getting the things that you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." ~ Ben Stein 

It's January 5th as I put pen to paper on the first draft of this narrative and thankfully I've so far failed only one of my New Year's resolutions. Last night when my wife called and suggested she could pick up a fast-food dinner of empty calories, fat, crap and carbs on the way home from work I acquiesced. My resolution to be more fun, spontaneous, positive and less critical collided with it's sister commitment to eat healthier.

Can't we all just get along?!

So there I sat eating a meal with my family, the fun spouse and dad, less judgmental perhaps but certainly more bloated, anticipating gastrointestinal distress in my morning-after future.

This prognostication by mastication was not a result of those evil projectionists I can so easily conjure in my theater of the negative. I had a gut feeling I'd pay for this. I was right.

Tuesday morning reminded me why I had decided on this second of two resolutions for 2016. My body was asking, "Are you serious - four days?"

I knew the early relapse could be rectified. My first resolution to be more positive about life and less critical (read happy) told me this was so. I didn't have to beat myself up for such a human stumble.

"It's OK," I told myself.

My past New Year's resolutions have ranged from making no resolutions (the angry-obstinate resolutionary - sic) to the impossible (the self-defeating resolutionary). Each year I would make a conscious decision to remain stagnant or establish a pathway to failure. Either way self improvement would be impossible.

I've experienced too much to continue in this way. Many of us have.

This year I have committed to a journey of The Doable as I travel along a road to a better, happier, more fulfilled and present life.

It's not like doable is easy. My recent journey along the path to completing my first half marathon taught me this. This can become exhilarating, empowering while at the same time intimidating.

Did I say intimidating?

Oh my god! If my goals are reachable, seemingly small and insignificant, not game changers but game starters, I might be successful! Success, happiness, growth along our pathways are scary concepts for those of us unaccustomed to even articulating these hopes.

Remember, Success is NOT spelled with a "k".

I'm not referring to success measured in monetary gain though this may be an outcome of our many victories. In my case as I have embarked upon this new 366 day journey in this leap year 2016, success will simply be measured by the accomplishment of my two goals, MOST of the time. The rest I must believe will follow.

It is a revolutionary concept, at least for this traveller.

I have made a decision to eat healthier (positive) as opposed to avoidance of my nemeses - chips, beer, ice cream (negative).

I have committed to share with a smile my gratitude for life with anyone who will embrace with me this gift from our Great Creator. Through the power of gratitude I hope to soften my heart by eliminating the time wasters - judgement, anger, isolation. The time wasters can be exhausting, a drain on my finite resources of energy, talent and time I have been given to share with the world.

These are my doable goals for 2016, my New Year's Revolutions.

This year we can all bring a bit of anarchy to our new year by making our goals, hopes and dreams attainable and affirming. Imagine that!

2016 is looking pretty good right now!

... keep coming back

"When the solution is simple, God is answering." ~ Albert Einstein

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." ~ Michael Altshuler 

Choosing the Adversary, Or Not?

"Today when I think of the year ahead, I will focus on the good that is coming." ~ Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

Our society has grown so adversarial, hasn't it? Our Congress (U.S.) has been at odds with itself for decades. We watch with glee as the cable-TV women from various metropolitan areas pick each other apart like little school girls in 40-minute snippets. My nation, since 1776, has been at war for a large part of its existence, upwards of 93% by some estimations.

We have become a nation of competitors, antagonists, world beaters, evangelizers of the American Way and masters of the argument. And the US isn't alone in owning many of these attributes.

It seems sometimes we all need an adversary, a dark enemy, a Darth Vader at which we may misdirect our attention from what is truly important. On how many fronts do we wish to battle? In how many directions can we focus our limited energies?

Parents of children who have the disease of addiction have a dilemma. We feel obligated to keep all plates spinning even after we have abandoned the supposed imperatives to control and fix. We become like a hyper-vigilant Eye of Sauron darting back and forth from one imminent threat to the next. (Sorry, this Lord of the Rings reference is simply too perfect!)

We concentrate on everything and affect nothing. It's no wonder our lives once again become unmanageable.

They say, "Pick your battles." But what do they know? I've followed a lot of they-say advice that has resulted in disaster. They also say choose your adversary. All this battle, adversary, war talk is counterproductive to our chosen pathways. It leads to an angry, bitter and choleric mindset.

Is recovery as parents all about a poised-and-ready alert-mode attitude? Do we really want to be ever vigilant to our worst imagined disaster, or can we proceed in a different way?

Picking an adversary, whether it is our substance-obsessed culture, The Addiction or even our children relegates us to a defensive posture. We eschew action and embrace stagnation as we replay those doomsday images in the movie theatre of our minds. We become catatonic and disengage from our true focus.

Remember our focus? What is it? Think hard. When we clear our minds and breathe we'll rediscover it. It's staring us right in the face each time we look in the mirror. When we feel as if we are being overly circumspect or watchful we can know we have taken our attention away what makes us strong and intrinsically ready to manage any obstacle.

We have moved our attention away from our journey.

And you thought we were talking about "us," didn't you!

We are works in progress. We are the journey. When we look at ourselves in the mirror or close our eyes and breathe, we can calibrate where we are and how we are doing along our journey pathway. The journey is the focus. There is no adversary. There is only the NOW. There is only that next step along our recovery roadway. Any imagined adversary would love it if we were to divert from our pathway to self improvement.

If we remain strong in our resolve to continue, to keep moving, to better ourselves and become as close as we can to our true being the Miracle can happen.

Concentrating on The Addiction merely strengthens its hold on our children. Reverting to our former roles of fixer, controller, rager and enabler is an insult to our children and to ourselves. It is a betrayal. It stops our progress and embroils our children deeper into their mire.

There is a struggle ahead to be sure, but the struggle comes from within. It 's not easy, this journey. We wonder if the pathway is leading us anywhere. Are we fooling ourselves? Sometimes we feel it would be easier if we were to find an adversary we imagine must be out there than to Seek that elusive higher plane of existence.

When we doubt ourselves and the journey, this is the instant when we often find ourselves on that plateau, the hillside we have climbed without even realizing our accomplishments. We smile knowing we have used our energies and talents to move ahead, to improve, rather than to avoid the negative. We no longer renounce The Bad but instead focus on embracing The Good. Our actions become a road map to what life can be if we concentrate on what is important and ignore the distractions The Addiction deposits like shit across our pathways.

It is then we can feel it, the pull of The Addiction loosening as our affirming energy intensifies. The alacrity can be felt across the Universe in waves traveling at light speed. And not so far away our children will feel it too, the miracle of The Positive.

They'll have seen the light. Perhaps someday they will want a bit of it for themselves.

... keep coming back

"Do not be discouraged. Learn not to be disappointed in anything or any person. You are disappointed because your will, your desire, has been frustrated. Learn to submit to the divine will, for God's will is all-wise. Wait then, for God's appointments, learning to tread the pathway wisely, serenely." ~ White Eagle

Decisions and Attitude In The Season of Peace and Light

"I worried about it, but if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal." ~ Kevin McCallister - Home Alone

We've all seen the television commercial with the four kids running from the murderer. Ultimately they head for the cemetery, a perfectly convenient ending for the hockey goalie masked antagonist who probably cannot believe his good fortune. The voiceover rings true: "If you're in a horror movie, you make bad decisions."

Our lives have at times seemed like a horror film, an out-of-body experience, roles played on a stage unimaginable years before. We found ourselves overly preoccupied with The Addiction, thinking by controlling outcomes we could cure what we did not cause. The Addiction kept us distracted from our recovery journeys mired in a spate of poor decision making.

Looking back we can all remember when we should probably have gotten into "that running car" as portrayed in the commercial, yet we remained embroiled in The Addiction's pursuit for our energy and attention.

The chase became the thing. Our lives became secondary.

As I have described before we at some point did (or will) make a decision to no longer be the unwilling play toy of The Addiction. We accepted we were beaten. With nowhere else to go we surrendered to a Power greater than ourselves. We relinquished control of our child's journey.

And so began our transformation.

There is more to this, our stories of transcendence from victim to victor and certainly more required to continue, to maintain our sanity and stay the course along our recovery journeys.

This more, the energy drink or protein bar essential to remain nourished along our pathways is a positive attitude and a shift in our mindset from prey to protagonist of our own prosperity. We can make a decision that our lives will change, our opportunities only limited by our point of view.

The etymology of the word attitude (sorry, but this important and almost eerie) goes back to the Latin aptus, meaning "fit", and the Italian attitudine, a word for fitness and posture. Our attitude is the springboard to our spiritual, emotional and physical well being and our ability to persevere along an often difficult journey. Attitude can be everything, a defense against the constant body blows of negativity, depression and hopelessness The Addiction will throw at us to keep us down and out.

We are at a juncture where as parents of addicts we are not only besieged by the melancholy of our children's addictions but the seeming constancy of evil in the world that monopolizes our conversations, thoughts and outlook. It can seem inescapable, as if the world's troubles are are piling on upon our children's struggles, the desperation of the times engulfing us in darkness with little hope of escape.

Yet amid the darkness there is light if we are willing to let go and accept its presence.

As I am writing this we are a month past the Hindu "festival of lights" or Diwali, a spiritual celebration of hope overcoming despair, light over darkness, good transcending evil, knowledge rising above ignorance. We are also in the third day of Judaism's Hanukkah, celebrating the rededication of the Temple in 165 BC and the miracle of a single day's supply of oil for the Temple menorah lasting for eight days. Christians are in preparation for its annual festival celebrating the birth of Jesus. Central among the images of this observance is a star that led the Magi to Bethlehem.

We can shift our attitude, allow ourselves to accept this convergence of three theologies and other beliefs and life ideologies. We can make a decision. We can continue to seek out the pervasive darkness or embrace the NOW at a time when we sorely need it. This long Season of Peace and Light reminds us to accept when the Universe provides us with a perfect storm of hope to buoy us beyond times like these where evil and despair seem inescapable.

In this season, and at other times, we are reminded The Light exists and is prepared to overtake the darkness from whatever source. Whether The Evil originates from those who would distort a gentle and loving belief system into one of hate and violence or from The Addiction that has similarly contorted the the lives of our children, we can and must be drawn to The Light that exists beyond the darkness. The festivals of light and the story of the star in the East are in-your-face reminders of this. As parents of children who have the disease of addiction now is the time to decide. We can decide to Seek, See and be guided by The Light. We can change our attitude. We can embrace the positive and concentrate on the wonders of our recovery journey.

My wish for all of us is for a joyous and light-filled holiday season as we all journey on. We can love our children while we continue to hate the darkness of The Addiction. It is our decision. We can start with a smile and go from there. The signposts of the Season and the Universe are pointing the way.

Mele kalikimaka!

... keep coming back

"The most important lesson that man can learn from his life is not that there is pain in the world, but that it depends upon him to turn it into good account, that it is possible for him to transmute it into joy." ~ Rabindranath Tagore

It's OK To Get Tired

"I am really, really, tired." ~ Jackie Chan

Life is beautiful. Life is hard. Recovery is a bitch. Recovery can have its beauty as well, its victories along with its sine wave roller coaster peaks and valleys.

Watching someone in recovery is exhausting. Hope is eternal but can be the cruel ally of The Addiction lulling us into a guarded sense of false, or even real security when everything appears to be turning into daisies and butterflies for our children. It's not that we are naive or let our guard down. It is simply loving our children as we do, we will hang on every victory as if their life, not ours, depends on the outcome of whatever struggle in which they might be engaged. Our far-off view of our children  - two joined souls on different pathways - does not always shield us from feeling their pain, anxiety and depression. We can be empathetic without inserting ourselves directly into their lives or restarting the bad-news cinema in our minds.

But still, our recovery can be so hard and exhausting. Even as we get on with our lives we cannot help but keep that sidelong watchful eye on our children. It's like the sports fan who follows a losing team year after year patiently awaiting the turn around, the dream season every enthusiast hopes for and deserves. Like the fan, we can hang on every loss, each strike out, dropped pass or missed opportunity.

Unlike the fan, thankfully, we have learned not to insert ourselves imagined onto the playing field, our better talents turning the lost season into a playoff run. It is a fruitless proposition and one The Addiction wishes us to pursue to divert us from our journey pathways.

Our players, our sons and daughters, know we're there. He hears us when we cheer his triumphs, she when we acknowledge positive changes in outlook or behavior. We've simply stopped the catcalls, the Monday morning quarterbacking, those insulting "you've GOT TO hit the cutoff man" admonitions.

The worst, when I coached, was when I would witness a fellow baseball manager remind his pitcher to "throw strikes" when in the midst of a tough inning. I always wished the kid would turn toward the dugout, take his cap off , hit himself in the forehead with the heel of his hand and say, "Of course, it's so simple. Why didn't you tell me to do that before I got jammed up!"

Each day for us is the beginning of a new season. For many of us we're like the fans of American baseball's Chicago Cubs or the faithful followers of Aston Villa Football Club in the English Premiere League. Our seasons are played out one day at a time. We're Bill Murray in Groundhog Day hoping for a different result.

Did I mention this can be exhausting?

We learn to breathe. We carve out time for meditation. We seek out kindred spirits, others with whom we can share the experience strength and hope of parents in recovery.

And still we remain ... tired.

And this, as with so many seemingly insurmountable obstacles we encounter along our pathways is OK. It's OK to reach the point of exhaustion. It's OK to feel the effects The Addiction has thrust upon us and our families.

What's NOT OK is when we insinuate ourselves into the situation. Unlike the stalwart fan, we can and must resist the urge to take personally the ups and downs of our children's lives while we hope for that winning season. We have no control. We are handicapped by The Addiction, a bad front office that simply wants to maintain the status quo.

I live in a baseball town that each season amazes opposing teams with its appreciation of the game, the struggle, the competition. I've attended Cardinal games where the crowd has given both teams a standing ovation after a Redbird loss as a tribute to a game well played - an extra inning Cardinals loss to the Mets in the 80s comes to mind where both starting pitchers worked masterful games. The look of astonishment on the faces of the Mets players after their 1-0 win will be forever etched in my mind. Player and fan were exhausted after the hotly-contested game well played, yet tribute was still proffered.

Let me be clear, just like any city we hate to lose in St. Louis but we can appreciate the struggle along with the successes The reaction that day can be summarized in two words: Shit ... Wow!

All we can hope for when we become exhausted from the effects of The Addiction is to Seek and See the victories our children manufacture on their playing fields. Even in seemingly losing efforts our children may be heroically striving for a breakout season. We can rise and recognize the triumph of a hard-fought battle on any day even in the face of an apparent loss. We can offer our children our love, that standing ovation, that reverent cheer affirming their heroic journey along an exhaustingly treacherous recovery pathway.

It can bring shivers down your spine.

Imagine the utter amazement deep inside our children's souls as we rise up and applaud our son's or daughter's little victories as if to say, "Even in the face of apparent defeat we stand by you."

The Addiction will not know what to do with the ovation.

Just remember it's a long season.

... keep coming back

"In Nature's world, every loss has meaning." ~ Julia Cameron