Parents, Don't "Go Dark"

"And it's a long way there, it's a long way to where I'm going" ~ Graeham George Gobel

For parents of addicts and addicts in recovery the pandemic seems like an all-too-familiar experience. Wherever our journeys have taken us, now here we are at least physically, sheltered in place, quarantined, immobile. For many of us even the dream of working from home isn't quite what we envisioned, our lives disrupted by something out of our control. We didn't ask for this. We did our best, we thought, to prevent something like this from happening. We tried to lead healthy lifestyles, most of the time. We exercised, sometimes or a lot. We led our lives as best as we knew how.

In the end, none of this mattered. The worldwide pandemic has taken control of our lives and there is very little, it seems, that we can do about it.

But we are parents of addicts. Haven't we been through something painfully, devastatingly similar before? We do have tools. We have experience that few do. We share an ability to see that hopeful light at the end of the tunnel along with cancer survivors and thrivers.

And it looks like it might be a long tunnel.

Moving along this new journey of ours where it may seem as if we have been transported to another world, another totally unfamiliar pathway, we cannot succumb to the darkness. What is happening to us on our physical plane cannot translate to our emotional, spiritual planes. We cannot Go Dark while in the grasp of the pandemic. The Addiction is going to see this as an opportunity to ramp up its hold on our sons and daughters and the tendency for our children to sometimes look on the dark side of life will be amplified. As we continue to shelter in place we all will be at our wits end with those we love dearly and with our own innermost thoughts and frailties. This is going to be a test of where we are on our journeys. Going dark doesn't simply mean we risk detaching from our lives and the lives of our loved ones. It can also mean a return to dark thoughts, passive-aggressive behavior and all those tendencies that will take us right back to the cloud forest, if we allow this.

Now more than ever is the time to remember how we moved along our pathways as we learned how to love our children while hating The Addiction, keeping our children close, in sight, not "doing for" them nor ignoring real opportunities for support.

It's all about love and patience, seeing the sunrise and beautiful vistas in the distance, being the beacon of positivity, that light in the darkness of The Addiction, now amplified by the pandemic.

We've got this. We've been through worse, something most people will never understand.

Continue to be the light against the darkness. Shine On!

. . . keep coming back

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. ~ Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

Looking Beyond the Immediate With Love

"May such a calm of soul be mine, so as to meet the force of circumstances" ~ Aeschylus

Must we really confront everything? Why do we feel compelled to fix everything and make it painfully clear to everyone that we are the fixers, the correctors, the "keepers" of the way things should be?

The 12-steppers call it "letting go." We can call it what we wish. However we approach a change in our attitudes and behavior starts with a pinch of humility, a hefty dash of love, and a heaping helping of deep breathing and knowing we don't know EVERYTHING. In fact, in many cases when attempting to make some sense of life under the shadow of The Addiction, we know NOTHING.

The next time we see something that cries out to be corrected, whether or not that something is brought on by a son or daughter who is grappling with The Addiction, why don't we practice an alternative behavior.

We can:

Put others' dishes away
Close the windows
Ignore the paraphernalia, (maybe just this once?)
Straighten out the room

Or, ignore the CHAOS!

Let me be clear, we're not talking about taking over responsibilities we have assigned to our addicted and recovering as part of a contract for recovery. Sometimes we MUST remind our son or daughter that for whatever reason their preoccupation with themselves and their insular world has prevented them from fully taking part in the world around them, from fulfilling even the tiniest of responsibilities thrust upon them.

But not always.

We can do things without announcing the "corrections" we are implementing. We can do these things without malice or judgment, with love in our hearts for our addicted, our recovering and those others we hold dear . These are those little things that as partners in life we can look beyond to move on, not wasting time with sidelong glances and passive aggressive comments concerning things happening "AGAIN!?" We can perform these little duties when nobody's looking with a smile in our heart knowing we love everyone in our circle unconditionally no matter how maddening they may be making our lives at any particular time. It's all about developing muscle memory for life!

It won't be easy, a bit like an obsessive-compulsive ignoring the picture hung crookedly on the wall - believe me, I draw upon this analogy from personal experience. It's the only way our temporarily lost can find their way. It can be liberating. Watching our recovering triumph in little ways as they overcome their tendency to ignore what the Universe has laid out for them is one of those small victories that keeps us all moving down our recovery pathways.

And ignoring some of those little annoyances can free us up to experience some of the adventures we have been missing, that the Universe has laid out for us.

. . . keep coming back

"We can't possibly know everything. And when we think we do, we limit ourselves from growing and learning more than what we already do know" ~ Madisyn Taylor

Move On

"Finish every day and be done with it. For manners and for wise living it is a vice to remember. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You will begin it well and serenely, and too high a spirit to be cumbered by your old nonsense. It is too dear with its hopes and invitations to waste a moment on the rotten yesterdays."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I'll never forgive myself for ... ."

"If I had only thought before I ... ."

"Why didn't you stop me when I was about to ... ?"

So many of our actions while confronting The Addiction can be regrettable at best and at worst, a constant reminder of our failures and shortcomings as parents. Living lives as parents of the addicted and recovering can be at the same time torturous and inspirational. We have to remember there are, have been and will be victories along with our regressions back to the mire and muck of the bog and hopeless dark expanse of the cloud forest. The Addiction impacts the lives of our addicted, our in-recovery sons and daughters, their siblings and so many others who cross pathways with the monster.

Some of my most haunting regrets stem from how I let The Addiction color my relationships with everyone except my son the addict.

We must remember we do have our bright spots.

Maybe our mindset can change from one based on confrontation to one centered on love for our children. Perhaps we can begin to look beyond the face of The Addiction to see our children there, deep within. This will not only impact our relationship with our addicts, but also how we interact with their siblings, our partners and friends. Relationships based on love will see through the bullshit coming from The Addiction so we can move on with lives as caring and loving parents, partner, co-workers and friends.

If we think of our addicted sons and daughters as in recovery from the moment we see The Addiction has taken hold of their lives our focus might change from despair to hope. Our babies never chose to wake up one day to follow a self-destructive pathway devastating to their lives and the lives of everyone who holds them dear. From the moment they embark on the journey led by their addiction something inside them yearns to break free.

With that in mind we can love our sons and daughters and love our family who have been detoured with them down a dangerous road. Only with an active decision to love may we show them our total support and pepper our interactions not with disdain, but with kindness.

I'm not saying this will be an easy road to take, but it is one well worth the effort.

. . . keep coming back

"There's no future, there's no past; Beating hearts are all we have; Getting stronger break by break; From all these mistakes I've made; Mistakes I've made; What path remains; Mistakes I've, Mistakes I've made." ~ Eelke Kleijn, "Mistakes I've Made"

Listen

"If you hear the song I sing; You will understand (listen!); You hold the key to love and fear; All in your trembling hand; Just one key unlocks them both; It's there at your command." ~ From "Get Together", The Youngbloods; Written by Chet Powers

'Tis the season for frantically cooking, shopping, decorating and traveling. We can become almost mindless in celebration of our various traditions which if done in moderation, can be an enjoyable, good thing. Traditions with friends, family and community are quite often the glue that holds us together as human beings. It's important to hold dear the conventions handed down through generations and to also introduce new, original, fun ways to usher in the holidays.

All this can be daunting, trying to keep up with the arrival of whatever holiday is pending. We can tend to shut everything else out in pursuit of perfection. We can become so focused on the immediate steps to get "there" we abandon everything else. We can even temporarily push away friends, family, and community in pursuit of that PERFECT holiday. It's easy.

What's even easier is to first shut out The Addiction. Who has time to deal with THAT during the holidays? The Addiction, our babies, can become the first casualty of the holiday rush. We don't mean to. Call it human nature. We can only keep so many plates spinning during a time of the year when APPEARANCE can override what is important - right?.

We know the holidays provide a perfect Petri dish for germinating depression and encouraging isolation. Sometimes our sons and daughters who have entered into the spiral of The Addiction and those who are in recovery choose isolation as a means of protection from temptation, from social contact, from LIFE. So how do we know the difference between normal holiday angst and the added heapin' helpin' of anxiety, and sometimes even anger The Addiction can introduce?

We must take the time to listen. Listen to the verbal and non-verbal cues our sons and daughters are sending. We can see it in their body language along with their spoken responses to the holidays. There may be a lot of I'm not worthy going on here. They may already feel as though their place as human beings for leading a fulfilled life has disappeared with The Addiction. As they see the celebrations, the camaraderie, the family, the addicted and recovering might be pulling away from life even more than before. We can, we must take the time to include, to include our addicted and recovering in our lives during this time. If we are truly listening to the songs they are singing and allow ourselves to empathetically feel their pain, we can find it in our hearts to reach out, invite them in, put our metaphorical or physical arms around them and let them know this time is for them as well.

We may not get a response, not right away, but the message is there: you ARE part of us, you matter, we love you.

Happy Holidays!

. . . keep coming back

"Knowledge speaks, but Wisdom listens." ~ Quero Apache Prayer

The Fable of Dreams

"You create continually with your thoughts. You can create basically the same life with very little difference over and over again, year after year. You can experience the same life relentlessly, with a little different color to it, a slightly altered texture. Or you can co-create with God, moving confidently in the direction of your dreams." ~ Mary Manin Morrissey

"Wake up honey," he heard her say. "Do you want to start the coffee this morning?"

"Jeez, did she have to wake me up from such a wonderful dream?" he thought to himself with a smile.

This scene had played out countless times, this morning ritual of theirs. But that was OK. It was one of few constants in his life he could depend on in a chaotic world over which he felt absolutely no control - one of his daily "Groundhog Day" experiences that would certainly, sometime soon, be interrupted by their first-born addicted child.

"Sure," he said.

The chaos would come, certainly, soon enough.

After the coffee was started he walked downstairs to the basement to perform another morning ritual.

"Wake up son," he heard himself say.

But today as with so many other days there would be no response, not even a grumble or turning over in feigned ignorance of his father's encouragement. This was the state of affairs for his son that The Addiction had created and the son had accepted - with painful regret - though the son would not presently admit. This was the life his son pretended to accept.

He would try again just before going to work. School today would be out of the question. Just knowing he had moved his boy to a conscious state would allow him to soldier through his work day, one day at a time as prescribed by the 12-Step program and countless readings he had incorporated into his daily routine. He had no idea how he was managing to hold it together in his life outside of home.

He just did. He had to. He had to keep some outward appearance that he was living amid The Addiction that would suck the life out of his family if left absolutely unchecked.

What would it be this evening when he returned home? Would he find paraphernalia placed passive aggressively, where his son knew he would find it, would there be outbursts directed at him, other family members or at nothing, or would there simply be that black, sullen, far-off stare response to any attempt at engagement?

This was the daily, weekly, monthly routine.

"How many months would this, could this last?" he would ask himself. "... certainly not years."

He felt himself expel a heavy sigh. It seemed he was experiencing this cleansing of emotions more often now.

His workday was completed with the normal victories and challenges. No one at work knew. No one knew that the challenges he came across during his nine-to-five paled against what was awaiting him at home. He was strangely calm at work. He had to be. He was fearful of what might happen if he let the pain in, even for a moment.

On the way home he considered what might await him there.

"I wonder what The Addiction has in mind for me today? Will it be waiting, quietly, but ready to spring? Will I arrive to sounds of The Addiction argument I can hear as I pull into the driveway? Will my son even be home?"

As he arrived he would find, today, it would be all of the above. He could hear his son screaming at his mother from the road, screaming about nothing, and everything. As soon as he walked through the door the screaming ceased, but he could see The Addiction was just catching its breath within his son.

Then the reason for the outburst became apparent.

"What did you do with my pipe?!" he heard his son burst forth. "And my pot!"

He had found these on the back porch the evening before, a sort of "F-you" passive-aggressive I dare you to touch my s--t message conveyed through his son from The Addiction.

"I told you if I found that stuff I'd throw it out," he heard himself SCREAM AT his son, his baby.

"It's not yours. I will "F--k" you up," was the response.

"Try it," the words came out before he even thought about what he was saying. He stepped menacingly toward The Addiction, his son.

And then his son left. It would be for the night, as with so many previous evenings when these scenes would play out. He had no idea where his son would go. He would always return - hopefully -somehow.

He looked at his wife, exhausted. They were both exhausted. They were always exhausted.

That night both he and his wife would go to bed early. The constant stress would catch up to them in cycles and this night was one of them. On this night they would require the seven to nine hours they knew they needed every night but seldom enjoyed. They needed this night to rejuvenate and recharge so they could go on, to hold up against the constant barrage of The Addiction.

But this night would be different. There would be no dreams to be interrupted.

~~~~~~~~

"Wake up honey," he heard her say. "Do you want to start the coffee this morning?"

"Sure," he said. "Are we still meeting tonight with everybody at the park?" He rubbed his eyes and looked at the alarm. They had slept for a good 8 hours. He felt both groggy and rejuvenated, the result of a decent sleep.

"Think so. I'll message everyone later today," she called out as he walked to the kitchen.

After the coffee was started he hurried into the bathroom to get a jump on his day. He had a huge series of client meetings ahead of him and wanted to get into work early to make sure he could leave on time to meet everyone. Before he walked out the door he kissed his wife, then, as he closed the door blew a kiss to his son in the basement.

He had made the decision weeks ago that only his son could save himself. He would support him with unconditional love but not allow The Addition to suck him and his honey deeper into the addiction vortex.

He hurried home from work in time enough to change into his running gear. This would be a short run with friends through a park central to where most of them lived. These friends were from the running club that would meet together each Saturday for long runs, an endorphin-charged assembly of the most positive 200 or so people he and his wife had ever met. This group of friends they were meeting this evening were half-marathoners who considered themselves only half crazy as compared to the marathoners.

He and his wife had decided to take the plunge for the next session and signed up for the "Full" training.

"Fully cray-cray," he thought to himself with a smile.

The running club had given them a purpose outside of the The Addiction while they continued to watch, encourage and love their son. They were between training seasons and the group of friends was using this run as an excuse to catch up and grab tacos afterward.

When they returned home they saw their son upstairs in the living room watching TV.

"How was your day babe?" was all he said. He accepted the lack of an answer as a positive, a victory - one little victory amid the chaos. His son was home, upright and not responding with acrimony.

He decided to watch some television with his son for the half hour until he would go to bed. He would offer no suggestions or encouragement on how his son might progress toward a recovery that seemed nowhere in sight. He would just be present with his boy, a sign that he would always be there for him whether or not his son would admit it.

"Goodnight son," he said as he rose out of his chair.

"Goodnight dad," was the reply.

"Another little victory," he mused. "One minute at a time, or as they say in marathon training, stay in the mile you're in - or the minute you're in."

This was the life he was now leading - a life of some fulfillment amid the horrors driven by The Addiction over which he had no power. He knew that, finally. Now only if his son would come to the same realization.

He would sleep well he knew, a short run followed by the meal with friends took him and his wife a bit outside their normal bedtime and he was tired. Their next training session would be starting soon and he knew he needed to get back into the habits of proper nutrition and sleep to sustain them through their next endeavor - 18 weeks of marathon training.

The training season would end with a flourish, a marathon completed, and a "PR" (personal record) for them both - since it was their first marathons. The next step was to plan a team dinner to celebrate. He had put himself in charge of organizing the event.

"Life is pretty good," he thought to himself as he felt himself drift off, "... even with our son's struggles."

~~~~~~~~

"Wake up honey," he heard her say. "Do you want to start the coffee this morning?"

These words shook him awake as if they were in the midst of an earthquake.

"What, what is going on? Was I living a dream, or dreaming a life that could be? But it seemed so real, so perfect." he thought to himself. He turned away from his wife so she couldn't see his anguish.

"Are you OK?" asked the love of his life, the woman with whom, through whom he had grown so much through the ordeals of The Addiction.

"I had a dream. This dream ... ," he collected himself so he would not seem, well, crazy, "This dream, seemed so real. It was like, like ... "

"Like we had turned a corner in our relationship with our son," she said.

"You had the same dream?" he asked, still turned away from his love. "That's crazy, there's no way."

"Yes. That's what I'm trying to tell you!"

He turned to her and they embraced. They were laughing, hysterically, and crying at the same time.

"We know what we need to do now," he said.

"I love our son," she replied.

"Me too, but we can't keep surrendering our lives to The Addiction. It's not helping us and our relationship, or our relationship with him, and it's certainly not sending any kind of positive message to him about living life apart from his addiction. We can love him and support him, and be there for him but live our lives too, can't we?"

"Think so. But maybe not a marathon? Maybe 10K training, or half marathon?" she smiled.

"Yeah, definitely not marathon training!" he laughed. "I'll call Sam and Linda today. They train with some running club near us. Sam's been bugging me about joining for almost a year.

"What's at work here?" she wondered aloud.

"I'm not certain, but I sure am going to accept it."

"I love you," she said.

"Love you too."

As he left the house for work that morning he blew a kiss to his boy in the basement and whispered a message only he could hear to convey what he hoped The Universe might carry down the steps to embed into the soul of his boy, "I love you and will always be there for you, for whatever you need, but you must find your way my son - as must I"

He would say this each day upon leaving his home, hoping, someday soon, dreams might just come true.

. . . keep coming back

"There's no time to lose I heard her say; Catch your dreams before they slip away; Dying all the time; Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind; Ain't life unkind?"     ~ Keith Richards, Mick Jagger

When It's Time for a Little Push

"We do not need magic to transform our world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already. We have the power to imagine better."           ~ J. K. Rowling

There will come a time when our sons and daughters in recovery or even at recovery's brink, might be ready, ready for a bit of incentive to resume the journey upon which they have embarked. There may be certain pathways they must embark upon which to them may seem like roads to impassable next stages on the progression from the jail created by The Addiction. Some may call it being stuck, others, parents and loved ones might revert back to past toxic behaviors, characterizing the temporary pause in our children's progress as laziness, freeloading or even cowardice.

"She was doing so well."

"He was on the road to a normal life."

"What's WRONG with him." 

"Why doesn't she just get on with it."

Unlike the robin fledgling in early spring that will jump from its nest to both explore its surroundings, and test and strengthen its flying muscles and feathers, our sons and daughters may not have this instinct. They have been beaten by too many interruptions in their early lives. They know too much about life yet do not have the experience to handle the freedom that comes with an existence not driven by The Addiction.

They know what to do, but have no idea how to start or what dire results might ensue if they jump the nest. The long range goal may be all they see, not the easier baby steps to get there.

As I said, they know what to do. They may have been beaten down by The Addiction but not anymore. They are an intelligent bunch. The vortex they dove into wasn't a result of stupidity or LACK OF MORAL CHARACTER.

They can handle a nudge, a little bit of "adulting" to move them along those first steps.

We as parents can pick one or two pathway suggestions they might want to take. We have it in us to be gentle with the nudge, but firm. We no longer cajole or shame our children along their way.

But we should be prepared for pushback, the I Know or I will responses that are painfully familiar from our time we spent with our children in the cloud forest, in the muck of The Addiction.

This is when we say, "I love you," and walk away. We've done as much as we can do. As always, it is ultimately up to our children.

Watching our children as they re-embark on their journey can be painful to us but remember not nearly as painful or as frightening as it is to them. A belief that they WILL flourish will help as we watch our fledglings test their wings. They can do this.

And so can we.

. . . keep coming back

"Let us not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless when facing them." ~ Rabindranath Tagore

Walking the Walk

"The world is changed by your example, not your opinion." ~ Paul Coelho

The 12-Step Serenity Prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference," might seem like a call to action while demanding the exact opposite. Even those who have not entered into any 12-Step programs available to the addicted and those otherwise impacted by the disease can get the essence of the message:

Let go, and let God, god (Him/him or Her/her), the Universe, Great Creator or any other higher power  - something explainable only by some sort of faith in something OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES - take over. But how do we do that for ourselves while making our surrender visible to our children?

We walk the walk of those who have learned not to beat their heads against the wall created by The Addiction.

Those of us who have children spiraling through the vortex of addiction, or whose children are in recovery, re-learning the lessons of life missed while spiraling, come to know, eventually, hopefully, that reacting, fixing and confronting do nothing to "save" our children. It also does nothing to "save" ourselves.

We have a long walk or drive - if I may - to our recovery as we show our children a path to theirs through our example of living a life as completely and joyfully as possible. The "hard part" is keeping our hands off the steering wheel while our children navigate the driver's ed of their stumbles through addiction or recovery from the spirals. And we can show them, as we keep them close by in our passenger seats, by how we drive our lives, that road raging through life does nothing to improve anything.

They will see. They will learn. They will stop engaging in the battles with The Addiction and start engaging with LIFE. They will pull themselves out of the muck, the vortex - their "hard part" - and begin that long journey to the light.

We will then begin a journey together, perhaps to different destinations that may be equally the same yet totally independent, to a place where lives are well lived.

Stay the course. Keep your hands off their steering wheels. Walk the walk and we can live the lives we were destined to achieve!

. . . keep coming back

"Find your joy and let it run your life." ~ Cleo Wade